Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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