No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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