Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
