Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
