fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
