Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
