I just threw up on my dentist
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
