Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I am one with the molecules
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
