my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
