Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
nutella sex= disaster
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
