So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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