I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Randomize
