i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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