You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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