I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
