i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
