Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
