so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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