U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
