I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
