guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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