Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
