Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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