I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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