I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
