I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
