If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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