fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
