i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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