Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
