Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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