you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
