He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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