so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
