if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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