i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
organizing the empties. That sober.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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