So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
