I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
