did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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