So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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