remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
