So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
