I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
