the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
