You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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