there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
