IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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