I seem to have left my pride at pride
i think i have herpe
just one?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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