i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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