If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
