I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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