I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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