i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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