when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
