Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
