So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So squirting runs in the family.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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