I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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