I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
